CHAPTER 1

I’d have given anything to live a different life.

My jaw stung when I dabbed at my bleeding mouth with a handkerchief, and I sucked my breath in sharply through my teeth. Already my lip was swollen to twice its normal size and if I had no broken bones, it would be a miracle. Surely I’d suffered irreversible damage this time.

The steaming copper bathtub tempted me with the promise of soothing warmth, though it wasn’t the comfort of a much needed soaking that I wanted. No, my intentions went beyond that of mere physical comfort. I was looking for something more spiritual in nature. And though I couldn’t possibly know what awaited me in the dark abyss, I’d made up my mind. Come heaven or hell, I was going to put an end to my misery once and for all. I dipped one toe and eased first my foot and then one leg into the almost too-hot water. The rest of my body followed inch by inch, and as I lowered myself into the tub, water sloshed over the high edge to splash on the tiled floor. I didn’t care about the mess. Honestly, I didn’t care about anything anymore. I wanted the water to cover every inch of me, to hide the evidence of yet another beating I was too weak to prevent.

What I wouldn’t give to be strong.

I took a deep breath and held it before submerging my head. I sank to the bottom of the tub, looking up through the haze of rippling water as I watched the bubbles escape from my nose and float to the surface and burst. Would it hurt to die by drowning? It couldn’t be any worse than the feeling of Henry’s fist slamming into my stomach. My lungs burned but I refused to budge. My body fought against my will, seizing involuntarily as it struggled for the oxygen I so desperately needed. But I refused to bow this time. As I faced the end, I would not be afraid. I forced my body to still as the last of the air left in my lungs floated in tiny, irregular bubbles to the ceiling of water.

Soon, I would float away as well. And I would finally be free.

The burning in my lungs subsided and was replaced with a soft glow of warmth. My hands that gripped the high rim of the copper tub to keep me submerged relaxed and bobbed as if suspended beside me by a puppeteer’s strings. My mind grew lazy and cottony; the pain, the sorrow tearing at my soul drained out of me, and darkness descended as I faded out of consciousness.

How I loved the dark.

But death eluded me––swallowing me whole before spitting me back out. I had no choice in the matter, just like everything else in my life. Consciousness swirled within me as strong hands seized me by the wrists and I was yanked from the tub in one solid jerk.

“Darian!” His voice didn’t carry the usual edge of cruel hatred, but rather, panic. “My God, have you lost your mind?”

I couldn’t answer him. Violent coughs racked my body as I fought for air. I drank gasp after gasp of oxygen into my lungs, and with that relief came the renewed agony of my many injuries that throbbed and pulsed in time with my racing heart. “Don’t hurt me,” I managed to croak through a raspy throat. “Please, Henry, leave me be.”

He continued to hold my wrists with deft fingers he used for healing. But not now. Not with me. My own fingers grew numb as Henry’s grip cut off my circulation. Hands, gentle when examining a patient, dug into my flesh, his short-clipped nails breaking my skin. Sour breath caressed my face laced with the scent of too much whiskey. His rage was palpable, stifling the air around us as he shoved me away. It was nothing I wasn’t used to. The mere sight of me disgusted him.

Spread out on the tile, naked, shivering, humiliated, I closed my eyes and focused only on the sound of my own breath. Heat pulsed at my lower lip and I tasted the copper tang of blood as my tongue flicked out over the split that had begun to bleed again when Henry pulled me from the tub. I wondered how I managed to live like this, how I survived his constant abuse. Henry’s rage seemed only to compound with each passing day, and what had once been an open-handed slap to my face was now a closed-fist blow to my jaw. It seemed I should have more broken bones than I could count by this time, but somehow my body managed to stay whole.

“Darian.” The panic melted out of his voice and was replaced with regret. “I’m . . .” Henry cleared his throat as he tried to curb the drunken slur of his words. “I’m sorry.”

He apologized every time he beat me. But what was he sorry for? Laying his hand to me? Or perhaps he was sorry he’d ever met me. He draped a towel over my shivering form and tucked it around my body. “Should I wake Mary?”

The household staff were paid well for their discretion, and when they weren’t working they were kept away from the main house in separate living quarters. As if their distance mattered. The staff talked amongst themselves, but thanks to the generous wage Henry paid them, his secrets were kept safe within our walls. Every single person in Henry’s employment was well aware of the fact that he beat me. And they were equally aware of his fondness for drinking and his many affairs. But it wasn’t another woman or whores warming Henry’s bed. My husband strictly took male lovers. And that was why he hated me with such fervor. He hated me because I was everything turn-of-the-century American society dictated he should want, and he was forced to hide in the shadows with the men he loved. The year was 1912 and the thoughts of many had turned to progression. Women across the country were fighting for the right to vote, but progress only went so far. Open-mindedness had its limitations even in these changing times, and Henry, who could not openly love whomever he chose, was forced to bend to the status quo.

Even though he’d offered to fetch Mary, waking her would be a last resort, and I knew it would only anger him if I said yes. “No,” I whispered. I kept my eyes closed tight and refused to look at him. “I’m fine.”

The sound of his footsteps faded as he retreated to the door. “I trust you won’t do anything foolish,” he said. “Hurting yourself would only give the gossips fodder. Really, Darian, suicide? What would people think?”

The sob I tried to suppress worked its way up my throat and burst through my lips. Tears flowed down my face in tiny rivulets, burning my tender flesh as the salt mixed with the cuts and bruises left by my husband. It wasn’t my personal safety he was concerned about. Oh, no, his violent handling of me was proof enough of that. As usual, the only thing that mattered to him was his reputation. That, and keeping up appearances. Henry Charles was a fine doctor––one of San Francisco’s finest, in fact. But as a husband, he was sorely lacking, and it was I who was punished for his shortcomings.